running free for a while

I am washing my bedding here at the barn and then I shall deep clean the place ready for the next guests. The couple have offered me free board until Monday – but as a mark of respect I shall leave today and place a vase of flowers on the pine table for them together with a good bottle of wine. I would never be a burden. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and not judge. I am humble.

I had three birthday cards this year. One from my gorgeous little nieces Gracie and Abbie. I miss them dreadfully. I am not seeing them grow up as much as I would like. One from Mum and Dad and another from oldest life friend Adele who came to be by my side when I lost Foley.

I paid for a nice meal out in Blackpool and had some saucepans, plates and a healthy breakfast from a stranger who I hope is now on his own journey.  I had a tree of life necklace from Tara and James took me out for a meal. My dad and my son bought me huge and beautiful flowers. My favourite thing. Flowers are life force and flowers are colour.

I am travelling South for a few more days before I return to work. It is my second year now in the hotel trade. I am learning many lessons and I think the most recent is not to be too generous as others will perceive this as my weakness.

I am depleted and at that point where I could slip into a depression. This starts with cutting myself off but I cannot do this. I have been sentenced to a five year lease like it or not and I have served one year. Now it’s my second. It’s been gorgeous but also rancid at times. I am trying to focus on the love and not the fear. Most people have left with grace.

I am thankful for my family, friends and neighbours. But for these next few days I am most thankful to my two little dogs who make life more bearable.

I am up for an award later in the year. It’s the taking part that counts. Some people out there would be banging on and on about such a thing. But an award is a moment not a lifestyle. I have better plans for a certain day in November where I hope for a much longer term event to do with my own heart and the love of my life.

I do not need any more baggage in my life. Dealing with strangers who pay the way is all I want for now. I have everything else. I just need some time alone. But I suppose all this is better than being stuck in a daily routine of nothing much. At least my days are full of choice and variety. Be kind to one another. But not so generous you get your energy taken.

Tiffany Harper.

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